Strong Enough

Anyone who has access to my facebook knows, it's been a rough few weeks. I'll be the first to admit I come from a long line of stubborn, hot headed, emotionally unstable women. None the less we are strong, perisitant, pains in the ass. However, lately I've felt broken, overwhelmed, and definatly emotionally unstable. Anxiety, and Depression have reaked havoc. My theme song was B.O.B-Out of My Mind.  I sang it over and over again in my head. "I'm, out of my, out of my mind, out of my fucking mind. I was doing fine, once upon a time, Then my brain left and it didn't say bye, Don't look at me wrong; I'm out of my mind, Like Nostradamus and da Vinci combined, So paranoid of espionage, I'm watching my doors and checking my blinds, My brain is on vacation, they telling me, &, I'm bi-polar to the severity, And I need medication, apparently, And some electrocompulsive therapy, I am a rebel but yes I'm so militant, Still I'm eligible for disabilities,I am psychotic but there is no remedy,This is not figurative, this is literally, If these n****s go dumb, I go to the mental facility, See, man I'm so out there, I slap fives with E.T, I don't need a feature, they don't wanna when I'm on this beat, if you feel the same as me, then you gotta agree." Yea...It was that bad. My days were spent oversleeping, nervous pacing, headaches, and hoplessness. On the weekends I neglected personal hygiene and buried myself in Call of Duty black ops because it required me to shut off my brain and relenquish pent up anger on camping assholes who were really just playing the game. We tweaked medications, and I even went to a psychologist, twice.

After multiple medications adjustments and still fighting feelings of impending doom, I decided to try another route. Where modern medicine, and cognitive therapy failed me, it was time to get back to my roots. After a week from hell, last monday I woke up, and something deep inside my heart said "change your radio station". I'm not talking multipe personalities, I said my heart, not my brain. I went to 105.3 and in the 20 minutes it took to get to work, God did wonders playing DJ. From Laura Story, to Casting Crowns, to Matthew West, and Mercy Me. I went from overwhelmed to calmer than I had been in days. Still not a 100% I changed my pandora from Spose to Christian Hits 2012. While at work I heard a song by Matthew West. It's called Strong Enough. If I had to pick one song that encompassed the way I felt, it's this one.

You must
You must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through

Well forgive me
Forgive me if I'm wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own

I know I'm not strong enough to be
everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not stong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
For the both of us

Well maybe
Maybe that's the point
To reach the point of giving up

Cause when I'm finally
Finally at rock bottom
Well that's when I start looking up
And reaching out

Cause I'm broken
Down to nothing
But I'm still holding on to the one thing
You are God
and you are strong
When I am weak

I stopped what I was doing and listened to this song, and in that moment I realized... I'm such a stubborn pain in the ass, that giving control to somebody else in any situation is nearly impossible. I would pray and "Give it to God" and when I woke up the next day, I'd take it back subconciously. Worry, doubt, and overanalysing my life, were mine again. Everyone tells you in these situations to "give it to God" but no one walks you through the motions of what that really means. Do I say a prayer and call it good? Bam, God it's yours have a nice day? No. I learned this last week what giving it to God really means. When you start obsessing, or worrying, cause, well depending on the persons personality, those are the same things; turn your hear to God instead. Say a prayer, or as my sister Erin would say, "Satan, in the name of Jesus Christ, I rebuke you!" While everyone immediately flashes to the televised evangilist who are more often than not, over dramatic, and scripted, the preacher laying his hand on the crippled, yelling these words, pushing the woman off stage and then she walks..."miraculously". It brings her comfort. For me it was flipping on Pandora. Can't, in my case, obsess if I'm singing to my heavenly tunes. 

Everyone has struggles, everyone comes across hard times. The level of hardship depends on what God feels that person can handle. While most often then not, I doubt his judgement, in my character, and what he thinks I can handle. Part of who I am, and who I came from, is never giving up completely. While I'm the first to praise his name when I'm feeling blessed, and times are great. It usually takes me hitting rock bottom before I ask for strength. I'm stubborn, moody, blessed, but I'm not superman. I've sense changed the song I sing in my head to Matthew West, and BOB and Nikki are taking the bench. I can't do this without him. People always say to me how much they admire my strength, its through the grace of God I make it day by day. I may be a single parent [to the most awesomest, yes I said aewsomest, kids on the planet] who works full time, and my idea of a great night is one that ends in a bubble bath. Even if its 10 oclock at night because the chores and children took priority. So long as I have my starfruit sugar body scrub, and pandora, to physically and mentally scrub away my issues, I'm a happy girl. I'm sure I'll forget again, but today, and yesterday, I know that I'm as strong as everyone thinks I am, but only when I acknowledge that, I don't do this on my own, unless I choose to. 

 I can do all things, through Christ who gives me strength, and I don't have to be strong enough. Neither do you.


"Embrace The Suck"