The current curve ball is allergies. All winter I've been looking forward to spring. Who doesn't love spring?! I'd be able to start gardening again, see some of that great sunshine we've been deprived of since September, as well as it would be too warm for the cooties to attack our family. I say our family because while it may not attack us all the same we all find ourselves deprived of something. For Audry it's usually oxygen, for emery it's time with mommy, for mommy it's sleep, food, and years off my life.
With the gardening season approaching this means allergies. You see while most people can take a zyrtec/allegra/claritin and "suck up" the snot for a few weeks not Audry. We've been battling congestion for the past 2 weeks. A few low grade fevers, and even a random pneumonia that still makes no sense to me. I'm convinced it was a mucous plug wreaking havoc on Audry scar tissue from the collapse last September... none the less I had a few days off work added in a few treatments and everything was business as "usual". Our normal.
Today, started like most Thursdays, I hit the snooze oh, ya know, 14ish times. Finally dragged my happy ass out of bed and hopped in the shower. Audry went to OT today, and did awesome. She pushed off her feet for the first time since she was 7 months old. I wanted to cry. I probably would've but the cymbalta has my emotions all over the place and today wasn't a cry guy kind of day. ---That was yesterday. Another story for another day.
This Morning At OT |
This Afternoon When We Got Home |
Lesson one- never plan, life will derail you. Emery has her very first ballet recital tomorrow. We were all very excited. We even acquired a matching tutu for Audry so they could be twinkies. Even though Audry is sick, I had full intentions on taking her, and what ever machines she required to watch big sister do her thang. I planned to dip out of work early, hit up walmart for some glitter, and show up early to fix her hair and glam her up. After checking my texts from her doctor he got us an appointment at 1:15 tomorrow. My heart sank and in that moment it was torn between my girls. I had two options say screw it and head into the weekend without a chest xray or swabs winging it to avoid breaking my four year olds heart. OR tell her we weren't going to be able to go because sister was sick, couldn't bear the thought of seeing her disappointed. For a half a second I considered just not telling her, then I thought back to all the basketball games as a kid scanning the bleachers looking for my parents. The disappointment I felt when no one showed. Both those options suck.
SMA is an asshole. It's hurting one physically, and the other emotionally. I can handle SMA and it's aftershocks, I'm pretty good at getting my ass handed to me by this disease. I don't think its fair that my four year old has been put in situations where she has to be older than she is. It's no secret 75% of my energy is spent on Audry. She can't do for herself the simple things we can. She can't walk, she never crawled, hell she can't even blow her damn nose. She relies on machines to keep her healthy. As soon as she gets sick Emery takes a back seat. It's not on purpose but it happens. God forbid Audry ends up in the hospital Emery is all by herself. Every time, I ship her off because Audry's too sick or the PICU calls, she thinks I'm never coming back. I hate having those talks. :/ As a parent it's my job to do for both kids. I refuse to let SMA take her recital from her. I refuse to let Audry drown in her secretions. They both have needs and while they are vastly different and Audry's tend to be more pressing, they are needs. Come hell or high water I will make it happen. Audry will get a chest xray, tomorrow, and she will be dressed in a light pink tutu so when we show up at the recital, Emery, will be able to show us, how hard she's worked for her big day. Piss on you SMA. You can take my sleep, my appetite, and my hair (I swear, I find new greys every day) but leave my girls alone. I can't allow you to take away from either of my girls, not today, and most definitely not tomorrow.
Embrace The Suck
Kayla, I have no words... I have so many things I want to say, but when typed they don't feel adequate. I love you and your family, regardless of time pased or distance. You are an amazing mother, and your children are beautiful. Keep writing... Your very good at it!
ReplyDeleteThanks Lauren.. Still waiting on Erin to call and critque all my spelling errors ;) Grammar/spelling not my thing. ;)
ReplyDelete